Fake It to Make It

There was one day where I was flat out exhausted. I've dealt with energy issues for seven years and over the last three months finally felt like I had control until this particular week. For whatever reason I woke up tired and wanted nothing more than to sleep for four more hours as opposed to starting off day one of three twelve hour shifts. The negative energy was frustrating because it is not a feeling I like to harbor or possess...ever. I reverted to my motto of "Fake it to make it". I offer up the day and pray God gives me the strength to hold it together.



The trouble with not having energy to begin with in a day, is that is takes twice as much energy to be present and pretend that you're okay. Talk about exhaustion by hour 13! I rolled in to work mentally cheer-leading in my head to shake the fatigue and anxiety where I was greeted with the eyes of an eager student who had been placed with me for the day. Bless my coworkers as they had only good intentions of placing her with me, as I teach students regularly throughout the year and thoroughly enjoy educating (on most days), but was not feeling it today.



Oh boy I thought as I took a deep breath in and breathed out with a welcoming smile. If I thought faking it for myself was gonna be hard today, faking it while maintaining patience to teach quadrupled the faking energy at that point. But I know there is nothing worse than a nurse showing frustration or disappointment at the opportunity to teach a student, so I smiled and prayed it would be a good day.



It was a good day. Thankfully it was slow enough in the morning where I could dictate my care and walk her through some basic IV skills before the volume picked up. She was positive, eager, and asked excellent questions. I found the teaching piece almost gave me more energy throughout the day as it is something that naturally energizes my soul. She was a great student and the day went by quickly. I had tried really hard to help her, but still felt like I didn't give her the experience I could have had I been feeling 100% that day. I felt guilty as I reflected on this while she was at lunch.



She came back from lunch and finished up her last few hours with me, and presented me with a card. "I don't normally do this, but I really appreciate how you've made my experience so great today," she handed me a card from the gift shop.



I was speechless. All day I had been trying so hard and felt like I had failed her, while she felt what I had to offer was more than she expected in a shift. Her gesture made my whole day.



Some days we have things on our minds, we're sick, or we just don't have our normal 100%. I've always been told to bring with me 100% of whatever I do have in a given day. Maybe it's far from my normal, but it's the best I can offer at that time. That day my 100% wasn't my usual, but it was appreciated and my effort did not go without successfully impacting someone around me.

Sometimes you have to fake it to make it through or just to simply find your energy and groove for the day, but no one will ever fault you for putting your best forward, whatever your best may be in that given time or day.

Rekindling the Fire

Every once in a while I will wake up in the morning and wonder 

Why do I do this? Why do I work 12 hour shifts? 

Why do I pick up extra hours? Why do I find myself at work even on my days off? 

I do it not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to wake up every day and make a difference in my work and at the end of the day  I love what I do...

And, as with most things, this fire waxes and wanes if I am not careful to balance life and take care of myself. I've always been great at spreading myself as thin as possible to fulfill a subconscious desire to do everything. Time has taught me that doing a lot is not nearly as effective as doing a few things well. 

I envision commitment like pizza dough. The thinner I spread it, the easier it is for a hole to break through. Similarly, the more I add on my plate, eventually things fall through the cracks, including my sanity. This overwhelming feeling comes with anxiety and robs me of the joy I innately possess without the stress. 

I preach a lot about self care and resiliency, something I am even more passionate about after two months of not taking care of myself and feeling the burnout this summer. There's nothing worse than seeing something you love to do not give you the same energy it had in the past, but feels like someone robbed you of your passion. I failed to post a blog over the last few weeks simply because I felt overwhelmed, even though writing is something that helps me process and decompress.

So what revives that passion? For me, it's a refocus. It's humbling myself to place my energy in fewer places so as to create a larger impact. It's vacation and taking a break for my mind to be free and refuel. It helps to talk about what I love about what I do and to remind myself why I do it. 

Every time I teach a new group of nursing students I am reminded why I do what I do. I have the pleasure in such a role to teach the art of nursing. I love a student's excitement after a successful IV or foley placement, but what touches me most is the impact of attitude, spirit, and joy that is so moldable in a student. No mater the age, these intelligent, passionate individuals come to clinical to learn how to nurse, most (as I was at the stage) with absolutely no idea what that means. Their excitement and eagerness is either molded and expanded, or squashed and destroyed by nurses who have lost their passion and forgotten why they nurse in the first place. 

I get to discuss what makes a great nurse. What are the qualities a patient hopes their nurse possesses? In speaking these words I myself am  inspired to be better and reminded of why I do what I do. There is always room to grow, and teaching them reminds me to refocus and rediscover what gets me out of bed in the morning.

This inspiration puts a literal spring in my step. (I got caught this week skipping by a doc). It helps me see the person in each patient. It also gives me the passion to work towards a culture of self care so that others don't feel that burn out I felt over the last month. How do we find ways to remember our passion for what we do? Each person is different. What part of what you do makes you get up every morning? Maybe you've forgotten? I've been doing this for three years and catch myself in slumps when I don't take the time to connect back to the beginning. 

What did it mean when I said I wanted to be a nurse? What does it mean now? How do I preserve that fire for my work to fulfill my own passion and in return inspire the lives of those I care for and those whom I work with?