On My Team

I walked through the door two and a half hours later than usual to my husband's smiling face. That smile fell as he saw the sadness in my eyes followed by the stream of tears. "What is wrong??" He asked with great concern. I shook my head. As much as I wanted him to understand the sadness and brokenness of my heart at that moment, it wasn't something I could explain."My patient died."

This is the reality of healthcare. On a day to day basis we are faced with situations involving life and death, some easier than others. This was the first time I had come home and felt so affected by the events of the day. My patient was sick. He rolled in with lab values not compatible with life and in need of emergent filtering of his blood. But he talked to me for the whole 4 hours I cared for him. He was alert, oriented, kind, and very sick. I administered meds and drew labs as ordered and called report to the ICU for transfer. Night shift arrived and the plan was to wheel him upstairs before I went home.

The staff assist button rang out. I ran into the room with many staff members to find the patient seizing and moments later in cardiac arrest. My incredible team went to work initiating chest compressions, passing meds per protocol, and working with the docs to assess what could reverse possible causes. It was straight to business. His heart wasn't working and we needed to intervene immediately. 15 minutes passed and it was my turn to do compressions. As I leaned over his chest I pumped to the beat of Stayin' Alive. I looked down at this man I had cared for over the past 4 hours and something clicked. I was no longer "doing compressions on a body", I was pumping my sweet patient's heart with every ounce of energy to keep his blood moving and give him the best chance of survival. It was suddenly very personal. I began to pray as I compressed, giving every ounce of life I could into my hands. 

After exhausting all options he was pronounced dead, and my heart sank. One hour ago this man was talking to me...

I tried to hold it together. This happens all the time. This shouldn't affect me. There's still work that needs to be done.  Tears brimming, I pulled it together to help with the paperwork. My heart was broken and aching for the family and the circumstances, while another part of my heart knew he was in a better place. 

Sitting at the computer on hold with the coroner I felt arms around my back in a hug and the scent of cigarette smoke. I turned to face a woman with electric blue hair and a patient visitor sticker on her chest. She spoke softly, "I just needed to give you a hug. You do such a great job and I hope that one day you're on my team".  She smiled, embraced me, and walked back to the room across the hall from my patient....She had seen the whole thing. 

I turned back to my computer and lost all emotion I had been holding in. The tears flowed and my sobs were evident to my coworker next to me. That woman, who I didn't know, had been God's voice saying, it's ok to feel. You can't always be in control. Control was the furthest thing I had at that moment. 

"I hope you're on my team"...I mused over the words. What a powerful statement. I had done everything in my power for that patient, as had my team. I had never felt so supported in such a situation and was so grateful for my teammates who were present. That woman recognized that we put heart and soul into our work and reminded me that sometimes an outcome is beyond my control.


I pray that this dear patient rests in peace. I also pray that each day I wake up with a renewed spirit to perform my work. Days like this are tough and can break a nurse down. I cried a lot that night, and that was what I needed. Then I woke up the next day and walked in to work knowing I could face similar cases. However, I walked in with a smile on my face. Each coworker, each patient, each family member I was going to encounter was on my team.  As a team sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, but you walk away with your head high if you've given your heart and 100% and recognized that you have only so much you can control.  

Being on God's team means recognizing that He has a plan. It means being His hands and feet, but at the end of the day remembering that He is in control.